Last Friday it was my birthday (don’t worry, I didn’t buy you anything either), and for all my sins I spent it sunning my pasty white behind on a tropical island in the Indian Ocean, pausing only to go swimming with dolphins in the bath-warm turquoise ocean, before possibly fetching myself another margarita.
As you can probably imagine, it was horrible.
However, as much of an ordeal as this all was, it paled in comparison to the emotional turmoil I had to endure after being informed that, in Zanzibar (for that is where I was) THEY DO NOT DO BIRTHDAY CAKE.
Pause for a minute and let that sink in. What kind of ‘country’ doesn’t ‘do’ birthday Cake?? You don’t ‘do’ birthday Cake, it’s just a thing that happens. It’s always there. Like wind or mountains or Bruce Forsythe. You don’t get to suddenly decide that birthdays are going to be all about coconuts or something. You can’t stick a candle in a fucking coconut. That’s a shit way to celebrate.
I propose that, instead of the UK wasting however much money it is planning to blow on carpet bombing Somalia for the gajillionth time, why not put it to good use and start up a campaign to force the entire African continent to get with the program and jump on board the one-way express train all the way to Caketown (or possibly the Cake of Good Hope). Then they can understand exactly what it means to have yet another year of your life immortalised in fragile sponge and marzipan, sickly sweet and ever so slightly salty from the bitter tears of a life you have slowly wasted away.
Because, really, if we spent all that time colonising these countries during the days of the Old Empire without at least leaving them this one important bit of legacy, then we might as well just not have bothered.
If you do one thing today, make it sending a birthday Cake to someone in Africa.
Disclaimer: There might actually be some places in Africa that do birthday Cake.
Edit: I have also since realised that this post probably should’ve been called ‘I bless the rains down in Africa. Gonna Cake some time to do the things we never had.’